On this eve of this most SACRED day (for which most women become piles of fleshy goo over a bunch of flowers), I am posting this:
I have friends on both sides of the table. I may be an occasional reader of dark/smutty fiction, and an active BDSM, but in no way do I support this drivel. (As a side note, I also do NOT support trashy fiction that has the heroine/hero run into their rapists/abusers arms, bc they "fell in love"). I have heard people try to support this book, but in the wake of all of the negative instances in the book -- of misogyny, mental and emotional abuse, displays of emerging stockholm syndrome, rape, consensual and no-consensual sex, I can not bear this.
I gagged when I read this. I put this down for a moment, because I was so angry. I almost threw my phone across the room. I was morbidly fascinated at how horrible these displays are. I was afraid that if I caved and saw the movie with my friend, I would storm out, make a scene, and insist on a refund/change of movie, or unlimited popcorn for the rest of my life.
How truly disappointing.
And even worse, a display by a friend, that exhibited a non-existent understanding of the difference between flat out rape and emotional/mental abuse leading up to and following, and including truly non-consensual sex..
If you have been flat out raped, you should feel affronted. You should cry, be angry. Punch your offender. Kick him/her in the balls/metaphorical balls. But if you have been manipulated and tortured, it is a BIG difference. Not only kidnap victims exhibit signs of stockholm syndrome.
I can not wait for that drivel to be over.
And I will also report, I am appalled at that horrid woman doing NO research (some have been kind enough to say she's at least done a bit) of the true BDSM culture. Sexual abuse in the past is not a "trigger" for BDSM. Chains on the wall, whips, a blindfold, a domineering attitude, and saying you are a dominant and BDSM, DOES NOT AT ALL make you a BDSM. It is a mindset, and mutual respect in the physical/mental relationship between two sexual partners, not how much money you can spend on "equipment" or how possessive and physically/mentally abusive you are.
One of the biggest things the blogger got right, is that, in the BDSM community, you don't hit out of anger. But to be clear, you also don't "get" to hit for your own pleasure. Even with people taking Dom and Sub roles, you get pleasure from the pleasure of your partner. It is so so much more complicated. And it is a shame that it is portrayed in such a way from that woman.
By the way, I refuse to call those books, due to the fact that it is so hollow/shallow. I address it as "dry cunt/mommy porn." If anyone is offended by that, my reasons are that 1) the only ones aside from idiots that honestly respect that, are stay at home, unappreciated moms who don't get laid anymore by their cheating lying husbands, 2) those who have yet to find a truly understanding partner, 3) those who just plain don't get any action [and read/watch for the sex]. Or 4) all of the above.
Also for the record, I may engage in deviant acts, but I was still raised Christian (not catholic "christian" either where I can repent my sins of the week). It is also against my moral standards to outright purchase that trash or waste my hard-earned money on those movie tickets.
I have never supported the coffers of any drivel like this in the HISTORY of my life, and I will not start now because of all the stupid girls out there that think a rich good looking guy who acts the way this character does, is in love.
Also, there is an article on Jezebel - if I recall correctly - which summarized this series.
If you're angry about my words, you should be.
Anastasia exhibiting stockholm syndrome is not falling in love, is not a fairytale ending, and should not be supported.
Well, I read my last post - that was a tad over-dramatic. But it was 2008. And apparently I couldn't even delete my LJ? I'm not sure if my ADD kicked in after I hit "POST," if I couldn't figure it out... or if I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
In any case, I'm back. MySpace has gone to the hipsters. Facebook has gone to the corporate-hacks. And I have not bothered to sign up for Instagram, Twitter, Vine, or SnapChat.... I'm pretty sure that's it.
The reason I'm back, you ask? Well, to summarize the last.. 6 years of my life: had a relationship, ended it, had another, ended it, stopped writing fanfiction, had a mental break, quit school 10 credits away from transferring for a BS in Biz Admin & Language, got over it, got a full time job, and have been hating life since.
To clarify though, my relationship status is now "complicated" but satisfying. If you catch my drift.
The dog that I got, a few months after my last post, was attacked by a dog (adopted by the friends I was living with) circa 2014 Superbowl weekend. I moved out, moved back in, moved around, and almost thought I'd be living in my car. Bounced back, sort of, thanks to Craigslist. I really can't knock it since I get so much ancillary income from them.
Last but not least, my breaking point AKA reason I'm now posting on here: my Facebook is officially being monitored by my work (damn privacy settings are pointless, I closed myspace, and Xanga has gone to the dogs). Now, if I post regarding work, it's hardly direct, not at all insulting to my bosses or profession, and generally all posts have been a focus on words of wisdom and Farm Heroes Saga games. That's it. So now I needed to find a platform to rant on that won't be monitored.
I'm pretty sure most in my current field of work don't even know what an LJ is. Silly old farts. Conveniently, no links or references to my RL/PL have ever been linked to here.
I did get rid of my shoddy half-assed LinkedIn page that I never wanted in the first place. I cleared all work/e-mail/education connections on my Facebook. I'm exhausted and frustrated that I'm treated like a criminal for passively vague references to work.
Maybe it's time to rev up my 5-year plan. (That's go back to school, get my BS, finish learning 10 languages, and go work for the CIA)
If anyone is out there, what are your thoughts, and do you have any suggestions on high ancillary income while I go back to school? So, ya know, I can quit the anarchist job I only got from a temp agency because I had no idea where I was going in life, but wanted more than $10/hour....
PS: If I do sign up for one of the other social media platforms, I'll be sure to be under an alias and keep myself in the dark of the internet. More suggestions?
...It has been so long. I can feel physical heartbreak here. =P
So now I'm 18, legal - no longer jailbait - and still working on my license. And I am logically not the only one with this problem of fear of driving. I've been talking with my friend Kitty recently. It's so good to talk to her. I miss her and her pinkness... That's what I call her love of pink.
Anyway. I've got my car now, but he let the tank empty, so I dunno how I'll manage to get it to the nearest gas station even, and... it's kinda dusty. But a good short hose-down should solve that problem at least!
It's a 2006 Honda Accord LX Sedan.
& It's NICE. Kelsye's the first to get to see it. Which reminds me of the fact that in like 2 1/2 hours I get to see her again. Last time, like 2 Saturdays ago, we walked to Jamba and Baja and were busy cracking jokes at like everything. We were talking about boys and their usefullness. Hahah. I won't share. No one needs to know. >_<
Well that's it. I have to go get ready for my last driving lesson!! Good luck to me! Sorta. eck.
Now it's only been a week since I last "updated," but what-the-hey, who gives a sh!t? Heheh. There's, for some reason, a lot to say, or it feels like it...
A few things to start off; I had my "birthday party" on Friday evening with a few of my friends... like... 7ish people. Nng. There were supposed to be more but they bailed. Lame-ass. But it was fun. Magnetic dart-throwing contest. One of my friends, who shall remain nameless, kinda acted like a prat to another of my friends (so she was depressed for the rest of her stay, mostly)... Le sighe. Ummm, poker game in which one of my friends was 'playing' the deck... in favour of one of my closest and long-time friends. So funny.
That was followed by a trip to the blockbuster - a fifteen minute walk, that actually managed to go by quickly as a group of rowdy teenagers.. ^__^" What else? Ohhh, then we stopped back at the park that ya have to pass to go to the shopping center, and played on the slides and swings. Was fun, was fun.
Came back to cheesecake (because mom's like that, and I love to eat the stuff) with strawberries, and "presents" which were mostly gift cards. But I love gift cards. No clue why, but I think it's the barcodes that draw me in mostly. Hahahaha.
Anyway, like... 4 had to leave, so the rest of us, four girls and one guy stayed up to watch Accepted and Shaun of the Dead. Have I ever mentioned my dislike of horror movies? No matter if they're parodies? Well now I have. My friends complained that I screamed too much and wouldn't stop moving. Hahaha. But that was just with Shaun of the Dead. Hmmm.... la la la.
What else? The cotton candy machine. That thing is so much fun. I missed doing those, since I used to help with the county picnic when I was younger. Not too much younger but like.. 5 years. Le sighe. Ohh, and the stereo I bought especially for the party. It's such a convenience because when we move back to the other house - with the room I grew up in - I will have my stereo system with me! ^_^
Hmmm.. Hmmm.. can't think... what else? Oh. More Drama. That's what. One of the two guys that came, who shall remain nameless just for the sake of things..... well, we like to hug. It's just our thing. My little brother happened to see, cuz he was curious of the fact that my friends were in my room... and we happened to be hugging.... sigh. So he asked... "Are you Allison's boyfriend?" The little shit-brain. I'm so freaking happy that I'm too tanned to have a noticeable blush on my face... GRRR.
And then I later happened to find out that the incident that followed less than a minute later was because of my other guy friend - who happens to be the boyfriend of one of my close friends. I owe him a punch in the arm. Bruising him is my specialty....
Anyway, the "incident".... the guy friend that hugs me a lot (and vice versa) "fell" on top of me, onto my bed. If my mom had seen, she would've kicked him out of the house. I thought he was just gonna end up hugging me in the beginning, but he 'stumbled' and landed on me. Damn it. That was embarassing. All of my friends who were there at the beginning of the party, minus like two people, saw.
That was a shittingly embarassing moment, historical in my life. Out-does all of those moments in my childhood. Like falling down the stairs, my backpack straps breaking and zipper coming apart causing all of my papers to spill out, or the time I freaked out when a bee landed on my shirt... Ohhh yeah. Out-done.
Other things. Talking to a friend at my party, I'm happy to say that there were people I am thankful I will never see again. Hypocrites. Whimps. They have no pride in themselves, and they certainly have no sense of honesty and intelligence. Nevermind...
I was thinking of mentioning my dream, my I've changed my mind. Only reason: because it's just something I don't think anyone wants to read. Not that it's gruesome, it's just weird. I mean, it's my dream. And my livejournal can be accessed by anyone (and I'm too lazy to put it to private settings). Well I'm going to write in one of my journals about the dream. Lalala.
Another long bout of not updating but now it's here.
After surviving 2 years of high school and college concurrently, I've graduated and I'm moving on to complete my AS (or my AA, if I've given up hope for a future).
There are so many good memories I have now, and honestly, a few more than I have of my lifetime friends at CCS. Just because... I felt more connected at the HS@MC. But anyways, all I'm remembering are all the smiles and the laughs I've shared with them, and it makes me kind of teary - which doesn't happen all that often.
[There's a moth outside the backyard glass door right now, haha.]
Now that everything's over, I dunno. Well, I will be focusing on my studies more, because I want a future where I won't feel useless. Bio-technology and engineering. ^_^ Helping save people, inspired by Chobits @___@;; - without having to look at blood. At least, not staring into someone's chest cavity while they're under anesthetics. Heh.
And.... today, I got my nails done. Because I thought that it'd be pretty. And they are! Consequently, at nail salons, the customers and salon workers LOVE to chat, so I heard about the family's nephew, who happened to be working while I was there.
..sigh. He's handsome and working to become a doctor... Heaven help me, I becoming obsessed with guys.. I definitely need to get laid. ASAP. But! - shhhh - we won't tell anyone that.
Well that's it.
Still working on my lastest fanfiction piece. It's going to be future SesshoumaruxKagomexHoujou. CU, of course, and very slow paced and long... long long, and drawn out. Hahahahaha.
Two real things I have come to a conclusion about this weekend.
ONE: I can't wait for Grad Nite #2!! Grad Nite #1 was a kick-ass blast, seeing all of my friends again. I just hope it's as good with the HS@MC. I know that it'll be... awkward; most I ever do is spend time at school with everyone because I live so far away.
TWO: I'm sick and tired of all the shallow people on this earth. So I'm going to pursue my dream of bio-engineering, and I'm going to pile on as many classes as I can take. Dang it.
I'm reading my Guide to the Elements book, intent on finishing it around mid-summer, finishing The Afghan Campaign as well, and working on my license - cause duh, logical fear of getting in a car as well as the driver's seat.
le sighe. Anyways, that's it. I'm back to waiting for my downloads on iTunes, and am going to eventually get my homework done.
This time around, I'm going to get on those D-land dance floors, and I'll drag a guy for grinding if I have to.
Suck that shit, why don't you, you fuckers who stand on the sidelines and watch!!! MUAHAHHHAHAAHA!!!
Things tend to suck, and go downhill, but.... I think I'm finally over it. No more whining about how depressed I am and all of that crap... Honestly, it gets me nowhere and makes me more depressed..
On lighter news, I think I hate my dad. FATHER. Because Dads are.... well, they're nice, and they don't say offensive and uselessly insulting things. ^_____^"
More lighter news, I was acting like a pervert again last night with a friend, although I am a pervert so... *ahem*.... I don't really have an excuse sadly.. Hahah. Although that's not really funny... Hmm, I don't hide it, not exactly.. Practically all of my friends know.. I mean, with my mouth, how could they not know?
I... was really pissed, reminiscing about a lot of criticism that has come to me over the years about my taste and colour of clothes. Of course I know that it doesn't matter to the majority of guys who just like to see my body anyway... but the point was!! -erm... it was..
Well, this past weekend, I added to the "general" box on my myspace, because I felt that was more important that listing a lot of crap (though true)... At least it made me feel better... It's not personal to the person who asked my if I'm a christian how can i like metal music.. cuz she's a friend. Anyway.... Hmm I lost my train of thought....
Fuck, almost an entire month since the last update. Oh, but no one really reads this shit anyway.
I have a most serious, but mostly rhetorical, question: Is there some universal law which states that I MUST attend my senior prom?
Honestly, I'm just trying to pass with a flat A average ya know... like.. 3.5... *le sighe* I miss being so smart... it used to be that my lowest GPA was 3.8... how disappointing, don't you think so?
Well, at least Senior Project's over. I just have to turn in that stupid binder with the rest of those rediculous assignments... and then I'm all happy happy go go. [That sounded lame even to me...]
What to do, what to do...
Fanfiction: I realized that a lot of my stories have become pointless in my mind.. Because those plots are over-rated. I think.. I'll leave them up, and just do one-shots from now on. I've got a great one-shot (albeit long) running through my head right now, and for the past two days, and I plan to jot it down.... eventually. It's faintly based off of.... a very sentimental/inspiring fic about moving on... la la la... so I'm going to add little twists and make it not-so-cliche.
I hate cliches. Cliches can go burn in hell for all I care now. That's all those little freaky n00bs are posting on ff.net; ruining the site.
Anyway.... um, excuse my horrible attitude. It's all because of that prom thing I mentioned like 1 minute-worth-of-reading ago....
Drawings: I've got some great poses now, in mind. A lot is based on me dancing in front of my mirror posing for tango, salsa, and well tango again... Dang, that dance is hot... [If only I could find a talented AND hot dance partner...]
Lost track... UM, drawings... I'm editing one of the ones with a link in my LJ profile... the moon goddess one or something like that? With the baby in her arms.... I'm also working on one I had a dream about... Girl with a motorcycle...
Cuz yeah, that's gonna be me when I can finally hit the accelerator and parents and police can't keep up in their little cars and mini-vans... lol. That sounded terrible. I rephrase: it'll be me when I have insurance for all the money that'll go into my precious bike... ^____^
Downloads: Lastly, hellokitty.com has monthly pdf calendar printouts. So cute. This month of May *angels sing* is Tenorikuma!!! YAY!! He's the little dude that looks like a mix of a racoon and a teddy-bear, with the sugar cube and coffee cup. *squeee*
That doesn't really have to be "downloaded" but whatever. I've gotten more music. Honestly, even the music stars don't count it as illegal because it's still people wanting their music and that means higher fandom count. Anyway, found a great new site for exclusive music that as a whole soundtrack usually costs $50... I'm excited. (It's all Asian music and Asian soundtracks.)
Today was... well. *points to title* Overall, I'd say crappy, but -- haha, the ending wasn't too shabby, when I think about it...
Let's see, I started out with taking the train to the LA fashion district, and that really wasn't too bad. I saw so many fabulous and cheap outfits! But... you have to pay with cash, and I didn't have cash. Just a stupid Visa. Prom Dress. Two nasty words that have reared their ugly heads at me. There were a lot that were quite spectacular, but some parts just bugged me. I was so picky. And these two girls - two separate stores - had found like... THE greatest dresses in those respected stores, and gah! -Taken them. Damn it.
Oh, yeah. The graffiti's hott back there, on the walls and fences along the train path. haha.
Wood Ranch in Camarillo. It's shit. "Oh, 40 mins to an hour.." *40 mins later* "Oh, it'll be a half hour...." *1/2 hour later* "Oh, another 10 mins..." Fucking shit, those retards.... Although there was a really hott waiter named Steve that was helping out at the front. Damn it.
Buuuut, it got better. Me-n-Ed's pizza. Although mom screwed up my order, the guy at the counter... HOTT. He was like... my kind of guy. Hott.... and a sense of humour. LOL. Hmm. I asked him if I could get some of the beer, and he's like, "No.." but then I asked him if I paid him if he'd give me the wine... "$100" was the demand...
Hahhaa. Younger cousin Erin, who's a guy-hunter as well just has to blurt out, "If she gives you her phone number will you give us some wine?" OH MY GOD. I didn't think I could feel like I had died.
His answer made me happy though. He said yeah, he would.
And add to that, Erin had to ask how old he was. Lucky me. I must have been blessed after the crappy morning and afternoon... and 2 hours prior to Me-n-Ed's..
He's "just a few months short" of 18.. HELLO!! Like... same age as me!!! *bows to GOD* Hallelujah!! AHAHAHAHA!!!!
I wanna go back to Me-n-Ed's... every Friday afternoon now.
Anyways, on a different topic than guys... (since that whole upper part was extremely shallow - although he was looking at me like... yeah).... I.....
Want to be a model... Cause I'm freaking bored but I don't think so truly.. I'm just bored.
Thursday's incident - no, I did not ditch the last half hour just because "cloud towers" sounded retarded... Though I might have if I could have. Nope. Instead I got sick and ran to the bathroom. Then I went to the office... and repeated the incident in the bathroom... Hahah.
And it didn't stop there!!! No no no! I got home, passed out on my bed, and then as soon as I woke up at 8:37, I had to run to the bathroom again..
My new best friend is made of porclean... hehheeh. No, it's not funny.
Whatever. At least it's Spring Break, even though the start got totally ruined.. I can relax and get better. Hopefully flush the bad stuff out. I hope it wasn't food poisoning from Daphne's... *shrugs*
My art... I am worried, because I still can't draw as well as I used to. And considering how (not to sound conceited, but... ) good I was with just a freakin' pencil and printer paper.... this is a low blow to my self-esteem.
I can't feel proud of my work when it looks lop-sided even to the untrained eye...
I'm afraid to even bring my recent artwork into daylight now... ASHAMED is the word.
And my imagination is lacking. My transferrence of my goals from an animator to a marine scientist/whatever the hell I really plan to be in the future.... has gotten in the way..
When I watch anime, now, all I feel is a void. Occasionally I'll feel a pang of emotion because of the plots.. but... nothing in most cases. And I have to rely on manga to get my heart-rate up, because most normal books aren't capturing my attention...
Everything really is piling on at once and I really don't like this feeling. At all. It makes me feel like a disgrace.
I just wish I could do something about it.. "I am the only one who makes my future." Sure sure.. But I'm taking turtle-steps to get there.
I feel upside down today, or maybe it's just everyday. I've wanted to go out and do something to really make me feel better. Different. Different than lately.
So I had a conversation with my friend last night, that while funny from and with him, was also insightful. It was about who leads/guides our lives and what makes it important. He recently had some problems that I've helped him with. More love-relationship stuff. [when I've never had a bf, we must all remember.] Anyways, his ex had said that God had been trying to lead his life in the right direction and what not, but he (said that he) replied... "no one but me leads my life. i've been paving the road to my future every minute, little by little."
While I am baptized as a Christian and believe in God, I had to go against what his ex had said. Really, we do make our own futures, and what of ourselves. God made us before we were born, but not how we would turn out. It is all our choice, because... that's how we learn and grow. Our futures are shaped by our own hands.
[hmmm, that's a lot of "our"sssss... bleh.]
So the conversation got funky, and changed to eating habits, study habits (of which i sorely lack), and the fact that we're going to go to Las Vegas when we hit 21. It's so funny. He made a story. And it was based off of the previous night's story about Albert Einstein and the atomic bomb.
Oh don't ask.
so the story goes... .something like this... although i don't quite remember it---
"Once upon a time....
"There was a girl and a boy...
"Who had just turned 21 years old....
[because our birthdays are a month apart]
"One day, they decided to go to... Las Vegas....
"They went to a bar...
"And the boy said, "hey, bartender, can we get some drinks?"...
"And the bartender said, "hey, can i see some ID?"...
"And the boy said, "okay"...
"So the boy got out his wallet, thankful that he didn't leave it in his car...
"The bartender said, "son, this is your school ID"...
""Oh" said the boy, and got out his driver's license...
""Okay" said the bartender...
"Then he turned to the girl and asked, "Are you with him miss?"....
"The boy said, "duh" for the girl...
""Okay," said the bartender, "what would you like?"...
"the girl said, "uhhhh, a martini?"
"and the bartender brought their drinks, and they drank and drank all night, until they were drunk and couldn't remember how many drinks they had had....
Okay, more or less, that was it. Sorry if it bored you to tears, but I thought it was funny, as my impending experience of getting drunk in Vegas. Nevermind, forget I said anything.
But I was going to say something of a bit more relevance....
AHAH! Fanfictions, that was what I was going to say.
Sidhe on SS.com makes me so happy with her stories, seriously. And I just found one of Res's smut-fics on SS as well. TEASE. shhaaaBAM! Okay, what else. OHhh,
Hmm, my hands are frozen.
Does anyone like Santana out there? Carlos Santana?! Heee's smokin'. Oh, not like sex-hott, I mean that guitar-playing kicks ass. I got him off of iTunes. "Cry Baby Cry" featuring Sean Paul and Joss Stone. It goes....
"Just cry baby cry..."
Unfortunately, that's all I know so... think of it repeating, with a bunch of cool guitar rips. Anywaysssss... go listen to it. It is a hot song.
Now I've got to go and read Sidhe... 'cause she updated. And I've not go a lot of time left.
Things are crazy now. I don't know how to describe it. Not only crazy but once again it feels like everything is falling apart and I'm helpless to stop any of it....
I don't want to feel like a gossip, but I have to work my way through this, by typing it up here and thinking it through again. Recently, my best friend just split up with her fiancee because he "couldn't take the pain and heartache of the physical distance between them." Partly my words, partly that bastard's. It makes me sick to think about it. We met in fourth grade and became fast friends, likes and dislikes to the love of the Asian cultures. She's my best friend. And I already saw her get hurt once by someone, and he may not have been so serious as to propose marriage, but it made her hate him. I reconciled with him, and we're on relatively peaceful terms, but as he's my friend, I know more about him.
For this other guy -- this is unbelieveable. From what I understand, she's been moping in her house, not going to school, for the past week. He didn't even wait to find another girl before breaking it off with my friend, who I will call E-chan ( because that's what I call her anyway). I might just break this laptop if I go into it anymore, but I promised myself, that I wouldn't let her get hurt. Because she was so broken. JJ, the guy from before... he went to one of my other friends and then broke it off with E-chan, and obviously that would be disheartening... But E-chan doesn't even know this girl. Just knows that the girl lives where her ex lives.
I know I can't stop these things, and that she's got to work her way through them all on her own, but I don't see it as fair. Not to push anything rude on her father, or her mother for that matter (because they are wonderful, and hospitable, and so generous - like a second family) but they've been so worked up in their marriage problems that they pushed her away and left her to grow up with her electronics, media, and me.
Again, I hate feeling like I'm exposing her life, but I have to work through this...
When I first met her ex, who I'll call.... H... It was really difficult coming to terms with him. He was from a different state, different side of the country for pity's sake. He knew hardly anything about her even though he came into her life. The reason why E-chan brought him to me was so that I could... examine him per se. I don't trust outsiders. Especially those who come in between me and my friends. I told her flat out, that they both looked good and happy together. That he looked and seemed nice. But I think she also knew what I said underneath: to be careful. After all, this was barely a year after her fallout with JJ.
And I don't like repeats.
I want to do more, I want to help fix things. That's what I had discovered a few years back, and let's more or less say that I figured it out when I got baptized. But I believe that I'm here to help people, to help them understand themselves and work through any of their problems. I've done that with so many people now, it's almost scary. We can even include my parents - or my mom, asking for advice....
The point is... that I wish I had known. If I wasn't so wrapped up in school and my physical health, then I could have been there for my friend. Provided, if she had been online on AIM to talk... Anyway, I can hardly deal with anything anymore.
I'm not comfortable with change, really I'm not. Either when a foe starts acting like a friend, or when a friend becomes distant, I find it hard to cope. Maybe that's because for all of my friends, I know them so well.... that I feel like I'm literally a part of their hearts...
I don't want to think anymore. Not about those subjects. They're just so depressing; I feel like I'm loosing enough friends as it is...and I am, as a matter of fact.
I've got projects due... stupid ones. I've got very very bad health issues and I think I need an MRI (must remember to tell mom) and everything's making me want to... just die. I was thinking like.. Harold and Maud(e?)... Harold's suicide stunts, although more real. Hnnn.. Breathe in, breathe out. yes yes.
I think I need advice now. Ya know what I resorted to? Tarot card reading online and a daily horoscope. And palm reading too! Although quite accurte in my opinion of my personality, I felt that it left me empty, like someone cut a chunk out of my flesh and fed it to the loch ness monster.. Hmmm. Yah.
Well I'm tired. Sorry to anyone who reads this (to here) and found this utterly depressing. Which is why I left other sad stuff out...*cough* Yup. I've got more work to do and fanfiction to read.
There are perhaps too many things about myself that I want to change, and things that I always dreamed of accomplishing before I get too old (and yes, I believe one can be too old to do something). I don't know why, but after watching the Grammy's, I have come to the conclusion that anyone who tries to impress the world with jewels and glittering gold, cannot have a too kind of heart.
Because anyone who is going to wear for one time only a necklace worth no less than 300 000, is paying more attention to themselves (no pun intended) than others in need, the ones living in charities around the world that they proclaim to support.
And then, maybe I'm just mad, because I had a really crappy morning so far, and technically I should be writing up my self/course evaluation for the semester rather than ranting right now, but I just don't care anymore... @_@
This isn't very logical reasoning, but since those people who seem to be so idolized can be shallow and hypocritical, I get to be at least shallow, for right now. Not hypocritical though, because I'm not a loser.
I woke up late, missed breakfast, am not wearing my jeans, but rather a pair of pants from Aeropostale because I woke up too late to dry my jeans, and then came too early to class (for once in my life!) of which the teacher said she'd be late, but ended up not showing... at least for the first half-hour of class, and now I'm up at the library wishing I had the nerve to start my assignment.
The end. Ciao, dahlings.
No, no. Skip that.
I got music on iTunes again. I think I have a very bad problem. Habit. Addiction. Muuuuusic. Lezzie... um, Nelly Furtado, Jordan Pruitt, Pussycat Dolls... and that's just the funky pop music that's on the Nano. As the most truthful words ever known: "Never give your credit card to a woman." It most definitely is bad.. BAD!! Heheh.
There's really nothing else, other than that I'm trying to survive, needlessly, because I've already been sent to hell, in a sense.
Now I don't know what else to write. I'm so bored.
But I won't start that random thing I did a few entries back, with the Hakuna Matata, even though it's very tempting....
I've never like when people give me pity, sympathy, or compassion. No matter the circumstance. Those who know me well, understand that.
There is, as well, most definitely a difference between pity, sympathy, compassion and understanding. All focused on one situation.
I'm trying to make things work, always, by wearing a smile and not letting things get to me (even though things do get out of hand - like last Thursday). Today is one of these days that if one were to look at me pityingly I would punch them. I do not doubt that.
Today is the exception of all things. Today is the day that I saw something I thought I would only ever hear about it, which makes it traumatizing. But I, in no way, want any sympathy, pity, or compassion. Just understanding. Because that's all it takes.
I know that by telling me sob stories, that it's supposed to be like understanding. But they just don't understand. Rather, that's compassion. I mention that it felt like I was hearing about my grandma, and watching her lie in a med-bed all over again - and they think telling me how they felt about their grandparents makes it all the better. NO. Nothing works that way. That's compassion and sympathy.
It doesn't equate.
I hate to say this but this is the reason why I do not get along with people easily.
I was just sitting in the library, trying to finish my homework assignment, it was around . Then through my headphones I heard this choking/coughing/moaning sound. But since I hadn’t taken off my headphones yet, I couldn’t discern where the sound was coming from, and kept looking around. Turned out, it was coming from just one computer stall away from me.
He was lying on the floor by the time I realized where exactly his location was. I couldn’t do anything though; I was just in too much shock. I looked around at all the curious faces of the other college students, who were looking at me because they didn’t know what was going on, and quite frankly – at that moment, I didn’t know either.
The guy at the next compute stall over mentioned that it seemed like he was having an epileptic seizure or something of the sort.
I freaked out.
---to put it mildly.
I can’t handle situations like that very well.
I could have helped to stabilize him or something; he had bitten his tongue from what they were saying, and blood was everywhere. Okay; exaggeration. Blood was in a large oval stain on the carpet, and on his face.
I saw his face!
And I saw his eyes. They scared me so much, because while he looked absolutely out of it, he also looked aware of everything. More aware than a dog or cat.
I just couldn’t take it. I tried to ignore the EMTs, returned to the computer screen and typed as fast as my brain would go. I did have an assignment due, and a meeting to get to.
Nothing has worked though.
I can’t get his face out of my head, or the blood stain on the library floor, or the image of his shaking body. I tried to work on my essay in literature class, but that didn’t work. I tried to sleep in government and economics class, but the same result. I left school at , with muscle twitching, jerky and clumsy body movements, and a brain that couldn’t remember my teacher’s name.
Can I mention again, that I don’t want pity, sympathy, or compassion?
I'm not naiive. I'm not stupid. Maybe at times a little dense... but I know the real world. Sometimes I just haven't seen it yet. Just parts. I'm far from blind and ignorant. When it comes down to it, I can hold my own, against a girl or guy...
An accumulation of assignments and stress was perhaps the beginning and this just made it worse....
But I just don’t get it. These things are always happening to me. I don’t get why. It’s not making me stronger. Yes, it’s testing me, and perhaps it’s a sign from God, because I haven’t been... Christian-like lately...
But that’s too much faith in me if He thinks I’m not going to break eventually. I seriously couldn’t handle it, trying to write my essay in class... so I was contemplating suicide. Because then there’s no more stress and I’m just sick of everything.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who often wonders what their purpose in life is... well... I’ve been searching. Even though I understand myself, and my place, I still don’t think I have a purpose. I’ve been so sheltered my entire life, that it hasn’t been possible for me to “spread God’s word”...
I don’t know.
I just don’t know anymore.
I’ve played this game, it’s gone on too long, and I forfeit.