allison teresa (riveroncecried) wrote,
allison teresa

Stop, Rewind, Play Again. And Again.

Things are crazy now. I don't know how to describe it. Not only crazy but once again it feels like everything is falling apart and I'm helpless to stop any of it....

I don't want to feel like a gossip, but I have to work my way through this, by typing it up here and thinking it through again. Recently, my best friend just split up with her fiancee because he "couldn't take the pain and heartache of the physical distance between them." Partly my words, partly that bastard's. It makes me sick to think about it. We met in fourth grade and became fast friends, likes and dislikes to the love of the Asian cultures. She's my best friend. And I already saw her get hurt once by someone, and he may not have been so serious as to propose marriage, but it made her hate him. I reconciled with him, and we're on relatively peaceful terms, but as he's my friend, I know more about him.

For this other guy -- this is unbelieveable. From what I understand, she's been moping in her house, not going to school, for the past week. He didn't even wait to find another girl before breaking it off with my friend, who I will call E-chan ( because that's what I call her anyway). I might just break this laptop if I go into it anymore, but I promised myself, that I wouldn't let her get hurt. Because she was so broken. JJ, the guy from before... he went to one of my other friends and then broke it off with E-chan, and obviously that would be disheartening...  But E-chan doesn't even know this girl. Just knows that the girl lives where her ex lives.

I know I can't stop these things, and that she's got to work her way through them all on her own, but I don't see it as fair. Not to push anything rude on her father, or her mother for that matter (because they are wonderful, and hospitable, and so generous - like a second family) but they've been so worked up in their marriage problems that they pushed her away and left her to grow up with her electronics, media, and me. 

Again, I hate feeling like I'm exposing her life, but I have to work through this...

When I first met her ex, who I'll call.... H... It was really difficult coming to terms with him. He was from a different state, different side of the country for pity's sake. He knew hardly anything about her even though he came into her life. The reason why E-chan brought him to me was so that I could... examine him per se. I don't trust outsiders. Especially those who come in between me and my friends. I told her flat out, that they both looked good and happy together. That he looked and seemed nice. But I think she also knew what I said underneath: to be careful. After all, this was barely a year after her fallout with JJ. 

And I don't like repeats.

I want to do more, I want to help fix things. That's what I had discovered a few years back, and let's more or less say that I figured it out when I got baptized. But I believe that I'm here to help people, to help them understand themselves and work through any of their problems. I've done that with so many people now, it's almost scary. We can even include my parents - or my mom, asking for advice....

The point is... that I wish I had known. If I wasn't so wrapped up in school and my physical health, then I could have been there for my friend. Provided, if she had been online on AIM to talk... Anyway, I can hardly deal with anything anymore. 

I'm not comfortable with change,  really I'm not. Either when a foe starts acting like a friend, or when a friend becomes distant, I find it hard to cope. Maybe that's because for all of my friends, I know them so well.... that I feel like I'm literally a part of their hearts...


I don't want to think anymore. Not about those subjects. They're just so depressing; I feel like I'm loosing enough friends as it is...and I am, as a matter of fact.

I've got projects due... stupid ones. I've got very very bad health issues and I think I need an MRI (must remember to tell mom) and everything's making me want to... just die. I was thinking like.. Harold and Maud(e?)... Harold's suicide stunts, although more real. Hnnn.. Breathe in, breathe out. yes yes. 

I think I need advice now. Ya know what I resorted to? Tarot card reading online and a daily horoscope. And palm reading too! Although quite accurte in my opinion of my personality, I felt that it left me empty, like someone cut a chunk out of my flesh and fed it to the loch ness monster.. Hmmm. Yah. 

Well I'm tired. Sorry to anyone who reads this (to here) and found this utterly depressing. Which is why I left other sad stuff out...*cough* Yup. I've got more work to do and fanfiction to read.

So long, and fare thee well, mes amis. 
Tags: best friends, ex-boyfriends, suicide
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